beauty of being in your thirties. At 22, I was caught up in this glorification of hustle culture and this anxiety of accomplishment, probably because I didn’t have a career yet. I just had these half-formed daydreams about what I would eventually do. I was busy working as a paralegal and trying to pay the Tj Maxx And Marshall’s And Homegoods Ross Shirt also I will do this bills, living off of coffee and 99-cent bagels. When I got my diagnosis, even scarier than the disease itself, or even the notion that I might not survive, was this idea that if I didn’t, I’d be remembered as someone’s sad story of unmet potential. It was really important to me to write my own story and to work. I felt a great sense of self-worth and accomplishment and also a great sense of service—to the point that I was trying to meet deadlines in the bone marrow transplant unit. There’s a photo of me from that first transplant where I have a vomit
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bucket under one arm and my laptop over under the Tj Maxx And Marshall’s And Homegoods Ross Shirt also I will do this other, and I’m crying, not because, oh my God, I’m so physically miserable, but because I’m upset with how my draft is turning out and I’m scared I won’t meet my deadline, which is totally ridiculous, but I think also felt good to me to have a focus other than just merely being a sick person. This time around, I’m 33. I have been trying to let go of that anxiety of accomplishment. I’ve chosen a softer path for myself, maybe because I have had the luxury of being able to accomplish some of those thing my 22-year-old [self] desperately wanted. I’ve been yearning for the quieter moments. When I entered the hospital, I brought this diaper bag full of all notebooks, journals, paint supplies. To my surprise, I ended up having zero desire to write and I started painting, which… I’m not a professional
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